Friday, January 16, 2009

the answer to your question

I guess,
I guess I thought
there would be real conversation
not a badly hidden tease or a
taunt with twisted tongue

but a genuine interest
a care what i thought of
you know, some genuine interest
like it was before

and I suppose, naively,
I thought there was a basis
for a real and meaningful feeling-
and a hope for something more...

ah, but i'm a little flawed, aren't I?
a little not perfect
but a really good subject
for this game of cat a mouse we're in.

a little too tangible
a mite unconventionally conventional
couldn't sit me at the cool kids table
you know, where all the cut outs live?

but you can pull me out when you need me,
yeah, i'll be here when you need me...
and I won't dare call attention
to our one sided arrangement.

I will be your convenient inconvenience
your puppet; pull my string
I will do the dance for you
and do it with a smile.

for awhile.

but in the end, there will be nothing left.
i will say this now, because i see it
there will be nothing left
and i suspect you won't even miss it.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The more you know about someone......

the stranger they seem.

My answers to this stupid facebook questionnaire.

Here are the rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 20 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 20 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you (and I have to fill the 20 person quota):

1. I've lived two lives. In the one before I was younger, prettier and constantly worried about meeting convention. In the one after I am changed and obstinate, but happier.

2.Crust, in my world is any substance that I will not eat that surrounds something I enjoy eating. For example I won't eat pie crust, pizza crust or bread crust. Simple definition, yes? Well, it gets more complicated. I also will not eat the tops of buns because they are too fluffy so technically,in my universe they are crust ( In fact, I have been known to demand that my hamburgers be made with two bun bottoms). I do like the INSIDE of the tops of buns, so I will pick them out to avoid the crust but that only really works with Kaisers. Now, before you think you have it figured out I have to tell you that Swiss Chalet buns are completely crust, so I can only eat the inside, dipped in Chalet sauce, but NOT gravy, because Swiss Chalet gravy is crust, although I enjoy their fries. And yes, I will eat bread ends, but only lightly toasted with jam or Cheeze Wiz, because they, although crust-like, are not crusty. Of course, Cheeze Wiz on anything else is nasty because then it is fake (I have a strong opinion as to what is real and what is fake as well, but I won't confuse you). Yes, I have a very defined idea of what crust is, and feel strongly about not eating it, but I will admit what falls into the category of "crust" is usually only evident to me. Hamburger bun tops? Crust. Hot dog buns? Only the last inch. Get it?? Good.

3. I took anger management classes. I needed them. If you see me mad, don't worry, I'll get over it. If you see me calm when I should be mad, run.

4. I once tried to sew the leg back on a dead frog, thinking it would bring it back to life.

5. I have an addictive personality. I do my best to control it, but I am hedonistic by nature. I live by my senses. Appeal to them and you will appeal to me.

6. I've never had chicken pox, or any childhood disease. But I did have a big stinkin' brain tumour. Go figure.

7. Buffy St. Marie is one cool chick. Deal with it.

8. Schadenfrude is my favourite word, and I like everything it stands for. Snickering is my favourite hobby. That said, I hate to be teased.

9. I met the man I should have married. I screwed it up. I don't know if I will ever meet anyone else I want as much. That scares me.

10. I want four children, but can have none.

11. I realized I believed in the soul the first time I saw a dead body.

12. Given the choice of any dessert I would pick sweet pineapple, Concord Grapes, fresh ripe figs, a juicy Crispin apple and a big chunk of stinky cheese. I also believe in the power of chocolate covered pretzels.

13. I love the smell of black permanent markers.

14. My father is my hero. My mother and I are just becoming friends after years of being opponents.

15. If I met my sister out there in the world, I wouldn't like her much. But I do love her--so you'd best never mess with her.

16. I struggle with my belief in God, but I'm not quite ready to give up on Him.

17. Music died in 1990. Yes, thats right. Died. I mean, yeah, there is some good stuff, but on the whole? Suckage.

18. I am ferociously loyal, to a fault. Once I have decided you are worthy I will always have your back. Twenty years, disagreements and leagues of sea can part us, and if you pick up the phone and need me, I will be there. Membership has its benefits. That said, once you've broken our bond you are not worth it, you are dead to me.

19. I love libraries and old bookstores. The smell is heavenly.

20. The best gift I could ever receive is a something someone loved and discarded or a replacement for something I already have. I am a creature of habit and I love everything old and antiquated.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009



I pull the roots out.
With a crack and a twist-
With a
And a
I turn back over myself.

I turn back over.

So fucking deep
Am I,
In this established earth-
I am
I am
In it.

I am the product of the years set in,
Your thoughts set in,
My needs set in-


Yes, I am the product.
I am the product
of this falsehood.
And I must break free of it

I must


As I tire-
As my hands and fingers ache
From the effort of

my way


from you-

I rest my head upon my knees
Tuck into myself

And wait.

Catch my breath-


And dig again.